Suicide Prevention Month - Our Story

(It's been a long time since I've posted here, but it felt like the best place to share this.)

Halloween 2015.  Typical Halloween with lots of people in and out of the house, and that Halloween Ashton had a bunch of friends over.  At one point during the night two of Ashton's friends ask if they can talk to me alone, all the other kids were outside.  Caught me off guard, but of course I say sure and we walk into a bedroom and shut the door.  They tell me they are worried about him, that he has seemed kind of down.  I can't remember exactly what I said back to them, probably something along the lines of "Oh, okay.  Thanks for telling me."  I know what I was thinking in my head - 'Yeah right! Ashton's fine.  He's just been distancing himself from these two friends lately, so of course they would think that.'  We left the bedroom and the night continued.  Later that night we told Ashton about this and he brushed it off, totally validating my thoughts earlier.

Fast forward a few weeks or so, I get a phone call.  It is one of the Assistant Principals from his school.  A teacher reported that a couple students approached him/her with concerns they had about Ashton's well being.  I hang up and I'll never forget the voice in my head right then screamed at me, "What if you do nothing and something happens?"

I knew immediately I could contact a dear friend who knows Ashton well and could get us with a counselor that would suit him, and quickly.  A text or email and she was on it.  I knew he wasn't going to love going in and talking to someone, a stranger.  I didn't even tell him he had an appointment, I just checked him out of school and we went. I'll never forget going into her office and watching her reach out and give him a long, tight hug, telling him it was going to be OK.

Ashton was in 8th grade when this was all happening, 14 years old.  He appeared happy, he had lots of friends, was in the "popular" group, busy with soccer - on a team that was like family.  He didn't appear to have any problems.  Ashton wasn't the kid you would ever think could be struggling, sad, contemplating or attempting suicide. Unfortunately, it's not something you can always see in someone.  He was depressed and he was suffering, struggling with crushing guilt that came from the pressure to live up to a cultural standard of perfection all the time.  This anxiety and stress of expectations from school, church, his parents, etc. was overwhelming him when he was most vulnerable: alone at night, in bed, stuck with his own thoughts.  His bed.  Isn't that where he should feel safest?

With September being Suicide Prevention Month, our experience, our "story", has been on my mind and I've had the nagging feeling to share it.  I asked Ashton's permission first, which he (kind of) gave.  But his reluctance to share, because he doesn't want some people to know, because he doesn't want to be treated differently, because he doesn't want anyone to say something, shows that there is still a stigma.  From a young age we teach our children the obvious things to keep them safe: don't talk to strangers, look both ways before you cross a street.  As they get older those conversations change to: say no to drugs, don't share your personal information online, don't text and drive.  What about talking to kids about their feelings?  About the self-talk that goes on in their head?  How to handle stress, anxiety, feelings of sadness & despair?  Our children need to know that it's OK to not be OK, and more importantly - there is help and it will get better.

The other thing we can do is teach our kids to look out for others.  Ashton had turned to his friends in those dark times, called or text them in the middle of the night if he needed to, that was the agreement he had with them.  They were there for him and spoke up, even when his own mother didn't take action.  I will forever be grateful to those wonderful friends who were there for him.  They were "the one" when he needed it.

He isn't my only child to struggle with anxiety, depression and self-harm.  We do have a family history of depression on Jared's side, but I don't know in this day and age if that even matters.  Life can be tough for these kids and they need all the help they can get.  If you want to have a conversation but aren't sure how, here are some great places to start:
https://www.bethe1to.com/
https://utahsuicideprevention.org/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPhC