Suicide Prevention Month - Our Story

(It's been a long time since I've posted here, but it felt like the best place to share this.)

Halloween 2015.  Typical Halloween with lots of people in and out of the house, and that Halloween Ashton had a bunch of friends over.  At one point during the night two of Ashton's friends ask if they can talk to me alone, all the other kids were outside.  Caught me off guard, but of course I say sure and we walk into a bedroom and shut the door.  They tell me they are worried about him, that he has seemed kind of down.  I can't remember exactly what I said back to them, probably something along the lines of "Oh, okay.  Thanks for telling me."  I know what I was thinking in my head - 'Yeah right! Ashton's fine.  He's just been distancing himself from these two friends lately, so of course they would think that.'  We left the bedroom and the night continued.  Later that night we told Ashton about this and he brushed it off, totally validating my thoughts earlier.

Fast forward a few weeks or so, I get a phone call.  It is one of the Assistant Principals from his school.  A teacher reported that a couple students approached him/her with concerns they had about Ashton's well being.  I hang up and I'll never forget the voice in my head right then screamed at me, "What if you do nothing and something happens?"

I knew immediately I could contact a dear friend who knows Ashton well and could get us with a counselor that would suit him, and quickly.  A text or email and she was on it.  I knew he wasn't going to love going in and talking to someone, a stranger.  I didn't even tell him he had an appointment, I just checked him out of school and we went. I'll never forget going into her office and watching her reach out and give him a long, tight hug, telling him it was going to be OK.

Ashton was in 8th grade when this was all happening, 14 years old.  He appeared happy, he had lots of friends, was in the "popular" group, busy with soccer - on a team that was like family.  He didn't appear to have any problems.  Ashton wasn't the kid you would ever think could be struggling, sad, contemplating or attempting suicide. Unfortunately, it's not something you can always see in someone.  He was depressed and he was suffering, struggling with crushing guilt that came from the pressure to live up to a cultural standard of perfection all the time.  This anxiety and stress of expectations from school, church, his parents, etc. was overwhelming him when he was most vulnerable: alone at night, in bed, stuck with his own thoughts.  His bed.  Isn't that where he should feel safest?

With September being Suicide Prevention Month, our experience, our "story", has been on my mind and I've had the nagging feeling to share it.  I asked Ashton's permission first, which he (kind of) gave.  But his reluctance to share, because he doesn't want some people to know, because he doesn't want to be treated differently, because he doesn't want anyone to say something, shows that there is still a stigma.  From a young age we teach our children the obvious things to keep them safe: don't talk to strangers, look both ways before you cross a street.  As they get older those conversations change to: say no to drugs, don't share your personal information online, don't text and drive.  What about talking to kids about their feelings?  About the self-talk that goes on in their head?  How to handle stress, anxiety, feelings of sadness & despair?  Our children need to know that it's OK to not be OK, and more importantly - there is help and it will get better.

The other thing we can do is teach our kids to look out for others.  Ashton had turned to his friends in those dark times, called or text them in the middle of the night if he needed to, that was the agreement he had with them.  They were there for him and spoke up, even when his own mother didn't take action.  I will forever be grateful to those wonderful friends who were there for him.  They were "the one" when he needed it.

He isn't my only child to struggle with anxiety, depression and self-harm.  We do have a family history of depression on Jared's side, but I don't know in this day and age if that even matters.  Life can be tough for these kids and they need all the help they can get.  If you want to have a conversation but aren't sure how, here are some great places to start:
https://www.bethe1to.com/
https://utahsuicideprevention.org/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPhC

Pita

Back in September (I think), I kept seeing photos of these cute puppies on facebook.  I decided to show Jared, knowing he would totally give me the go ahead.  I didn't think I'd ever want to have TWO dogs at once.  We did it before, we had a chihuahua for a little while.  She didn't get along with Abbie & she couldn't control her bladder so she had to go.  Pita has been the BEST dog!  She is a Boston Terrier & I would recommend that breed to anyone!  Great with kids, doesn't bark a lot (like Abbie does!), loves to cuddle, easy to train.  We can't get enough of her & I realized I haven't posted any photos.  Most people are surprised to find out we have a dog, let alone two!  The photos range from when we first got her to now.  Emma loves her the most I think.  Emma has told me on several occasions that she is taking Pita with her when she moves out. 

Boise Tournament

The first weekend in May Ashton's team traveled to Boise for a soccer tournament.  We had a lot going on that weekend at home, so it ended up just being Ashton & myself.  I don't get a lot of one-on-one time like that, so it was a really fun weekend!  Different, but fun.  One night the team went to a movie, so I drove around & explored Boise by myself & grabbed some dinner.  Fun for a weekend, but I'm glad my life isn't like that!

 Team picnic dinner at Camel's Back Park

 Breakfast at the hotel

 Championship game against a Boise team

 We took first place!  The weather was great, and the games were played at a sod farm, so the fields were amazing.  It was a fun way to end the season.

 Since we had a lot of extra room in our car, his buddy Max asked to drive home with us.  We decided to take a 30 minute detour into Twin Falls to see Shoshone Falls.  There wasn't much water going over, not like earlier in the spring.

Big Birthday Celebrations for Jared's big 4-0

Jared turned the big 4-0.  He keeps saying he's old, but I don't think 40 is what it used to be.  50 will be old.

Since we celebrated our friend Seth's 40th in California, we thought we'd do it again.  Disney with the kids is a lot of fun, but Disney without the kids is also a lot fun.  We just did one day at Disneyland & California Adventure, and just did the "big" rides once, then we found a spot to sit for dinner around 6:30 & stayed there until 10pm.  That's the kind of stuff you can't do with kids!  Disney is celebrating 60 years this year, so it was fun to see all the stuff they had done to celebrate that.

 Jared & I both have fitbit's.  It's a step-counter/watch/alarm thing.  It has an app it syncs to on your phone.  On Saturday the birthday boy wanted to go on a hike Seth mentioned.  We were lucky it was overcast, or it would have been MORE brutal.  134 floors that day (for comparison purposes the "goal" fitbit has is 10 floors)!  I was sore for a couple days after.  Monica was nice to stick with me & my slow pace.

Las Vegas Tournament for Conner

Conner's team traveled to the Las Vegas Premier Invitational.  We didn't finish great, 4th in our bracket, but we had fun anyway.  The girls stayed home, so it was just me & my 3 guys.  

 Conner's coach is pretty intense, with every single day planned out.  We had a practice, tactical meeting, morning calisthenics in the hotel pool.  Jared has photos of Conner actually playing.  It was hot down there!  But I had a nice relief from my allergies.  Our last game was the best, where we tied the team that won the whole thing.  The boys played great that game!

 Killing time in the hotel....

 We took the boys on Saturday night to a couple hotels on the strip.  It's too bad Vegas is so nasty, because some sights are pretty neat!  We wanted to take the boys to the Bellagio, then we found a Chili's to eat at where Ashton was glad to catch one of the NCAA games.

Jared & Jersh vacation

This is the year of 40's for the "Smargman" adults (that's the family name we've given ourselves). Jared, Seth & Monica all turn 40.  

Not me, I'll be 36 =].  

We decided to celebrate Seth's 40th we would take a trip out to see them in California.  This was only the 2nd time Jared & I have ever been on a plane together, our first being our honeymoon.  And it was our first trip without kids.  We went Thursday to Sunday and we had a GREAT time.

 We went to a popular Mexican restaurant on the beach in Newport called Javier's

We did one day at Disneyland and California Adventure.  We are usually there when it is really busy with holiday crowds, so it was a lot of fun to just walk on the rides.  I think the longest we waited was 25 minutes for Midway Mania, where we decided to do Boys vs. Girls....Monica & I kicked their butt.  I love that ride!

 We even did breakfast with the characters

 Beach stop in Encinitas

Saturday we went down to San Diego, then over the big bridge to Coronado.  We then decided to go see the border.  I took a screenshot to send to the kids.  We're the blue dot. We had so much fun!